अहम् ब्रह्मास्मि

The truth shall set you free

…and it’ll hurt and break every bone in your body.

It’ll put you in solitary confinement, torture you in ways that you won’t comprehend. At multiple times, it will make you go mad. It won’t let you function. Ultimately but, like the end of a long prison sentence, it will set you free. Freedom is guaranteed. I can personally guarantee you that.

All you have to do is stay strong, if you can’t keep calm and not succumb to the pain and the suffering.

Waking up is a metamorphosis.  It’ll be ugly and it’ll be full of struggle. It’ll make you arrogant. Your self, your ego will assert itself the strongest. It’ll seduce you. It is Satan, it is Mara. It’ll tempt you. You can be the king of the world or 100,000 people or something like that. You can be a master.

You’ll start feeling your cocoon. You’ll start waking up to the nature of your self, your ego, your mind and your thought. Your sins, desires and all the knots you have tied will make your struggle difficult. Your cocoon will cling to every nanometer of your skin. It will take time and it will be painful.

If you give up in between, you’ll be a stunted, distorted version that’ll just wither away and die. If you keep going, inch by inch, day by day, you will break out of your cocoon.

No one can help you because if they do, you will be a stunted, distorted version of your human potential. That’s why don’t follow. Your struggle is your own and so are your rewards.

You can’t force people into metamorphosis and you can’t make it easy. All you can do is to tell them that it’s okay. I’m telling you that it is okay. You are alive and it is okay. Know it. Know that in a far corner of the world I’m here and I love you. I’m telling you it is okay. Know that there are so many of us waking up. You know that getting organised, forming a community and trying to change the world will only lead to violence.

You know the dream. Everyone knows the dream. Everyone has dreamt that dream. The common human dream that’s beautiful, that’s pure, that’s full of love, compassion and happiness. You know it is possible. You know we’ll get there. Not by revolution, not by spreading the message.

The truth threatens the very fabric of the society and every time you try, everyone else’s response will range from mild annoyance, to incredulence, to ridicule, to even murder. We fear what we don’t understand. They won’t understand and they’ll fear you. They are larvae and they think this is it. They are happy in their own way. Their metamorphosis hasn’t begun. It’s not your responsibility. Your salvation is your responsibility. Your existence is your responsibility.

Survive because it is. Survive because you are divine. You are metamorphosing into something beautiful. You weren’t asleep, you were hibernating, surviving so you could get here.

Ego/Self is there because it helped you survive throughout the history of your evolution, through all your lives – the ones you remember and the ones you don’t. Each step towards the truth was filled with shedding ignorance and gaining knowledge.

The observer and the observed are the same. It is itself, by itself, for itself. You are it.

अहम् ब्रह्मास्मि।


I Leave You My Dream

…just be alone on the path of searching. This existence respects a person who dares to be alone in the seeking of truth. Slaves are not respected by existence at all. They do not deserve any respect; they don’t respect themselves, how can they expect existence to be respectful towards them?

इदम् दुक्खम् (This is pain)

One of the most popular and widely understood formally organised system of journeying inwards is Buddhism. It is also a religion to some people but not to me.

It was one of the first formal systems of studying the internal world like there’s physics to understand the laws of the physical world. (I avoid using the word spiritual because it is extremely loaded and has been misused, abused and associated with the kind of stupidity that’s rare and darkly comical.)

Whatever Buddha did and said in his lifetime, whether he received enlightenment or he just discovered a little, got too excited and started sharing and formalising things that he himself didn’t understand completely, he did work on the basics. I unlearnt the meaning of dharma as religion and learnt the meaning of dharma as the natural law thanks to Buddhism.

He gets the fundamentals right. He doesn’t tell you that there’s no God. He explains why that question is irrelevant and how it doesn’t matter, as far as our condition is concerned.

The most important thing he did for humanity was to shine the brightest light on the absolute fundamental truth: To exist is to suffer.

Thank you Shakyamuni.

Beyond that, I’m not too sure if I agree with most of the other teachings. It doesn’t make sense to me. The whole religion is built around aversion to suffering and liberation from it. Just like the question of God is irrelevant to my existence, the question of nirvana and enlightenment is also irrelevant to my existence.

Everything that we know tells us that we are the way the universe observes and understands itself. The universe is complex enough to give rise to beings (us) that can start understanding it and simple enough to be able to be understood by such beings (us), at the same time.

I exist.

As of now, why is not important. Why causes trouble, why leads to exploitation, why leads to religion and everything that is base, ugly and evil in us. Why leads to divisions between men and women, obsession with genitals and reproduction, with birth and death.

We can’t get to the why if we can’t answer basic what’s and how’s. We know almost nothing about our own selves. That’s where you’d need to start. You can’t first find an acceptable answer, whether it is nirvana, heaven or God and then fill in the blanks based on your beliefs. That’s absurd.

When you’re walking in pitch dark, you can’t decide that North is the right direction and just walk north because someone else said so. You start at the first step, get an understanding of where you are and what’s around you and then take the next step. you don’t go by faith, you go by facts, evidence and experience.

But your experience is false. The world is maya.

Again, irrelevant distraction. If it is, we’ll learn it in the end. What other way of knowing anything does anyone have except our own experience. What else is available to us here and now, except the reality around us and inside us? Why isn’t it stupid to talk about how brilliant the cake is when you don’t even have flour and water right now? Don’t try to make dough. Don’t even think about what can the dough make. See what you have. Is there flour, is there water? Look, observe, then ask.

To exist is to suffer.

You’re suffering so you want to believe that there is a way where there is no suffering. You are faced with impermanence and natural cosmic violence so you want to believe that there is a peaceful permanence. You want to stir and knead for the cake.

I don’t see how that strategy helps anyone except as a placebo.

To exist is to suffer.

The universe is violent, impermanent. You are not standing outside the universe and watching it. You exist, you are the universe, literally. Physically, you are made up of the same material that everything else is made up of. Look, observe and then ask. Don’t stir, don’t knead, just look.

When you look, you’ll find that to exist is to suffer. Everything else is just mental gymnastics.

Neuro-diversity, Awakening and why you must survive

It’s now been a couple of years since my life started turning into a turmoil. In August 2014, I sought professional help for increasing mental difficulties that I started facing. I couldn’t focus, thoughts often turned into a fog and I couldn’t hold on to jobs. It took a celebrity suicide for me to consider my condition to be something that needed treatment.

Since then, I have moved from a state of medication to regular therapy to intense introspection. Most of these last four years have been spent journeying inwards. Mostly because my downtimes were uncontrollable and wouldn’t allow me to do anything else. In a way, I was forced against my wish to look inwards. I just wanted a regular, peaceful life but I found myself regularly facing spiritual and existential crises.

This is also the time where my obsession with the nature of self, consciousness and existence began taking hold. All my conversations would somehow end up being discussions about it. So much so that it began irritating people around me to varying degrees.

During this journey, I also went through experiences that I initially thought were spiritual. Only in retrospect do I realise that these were completely natural, regular experiences that everybody can go through.

This year, I discovered on the basis of direct experience, not hypothetically, that there was a different mode of processing or thinking in my mind. It was surreal and amazing in the beginning but soon I realised how this second intelligence has been known and discussed for centuries. It’s just something that we are usually aware of, even though it is forever present and dictating how we interact with the world around us.

I called it a fog first, then I thought it was the thing that people call a soul, and then I found out that it was just intuition.

I experienced the intuitive intelligence as the main controller and processor using my thinking mind, my self as a sense organ. It feels like I have been sleeping until now and have just began waking up. Now I function in some sort of half-awake, stuporous existence with partial awareness of the intelligence that really works behind everything.

I can’t observe it like how I observe everything else and I really don’t understand it well enough to even begin to describe or explain it.

What I’m sure of, is it’s palpable existence and role. I now understand how my thinking mind is just another sense organ like the other four (sight, smell, sound and touch) but is extremely confused due to its nature and believes and behaves as if it is in charge and responsible for everything.

I’m now aware of the intuitive animal intelligence, the driving force of this life-form that I understand as me, struggling with this confusion and trying to assert control, as it is meant to. The first time my thinking self became aware of this, it got extremely confusing and weird.

I’m not sure if waking up completely is even possible in this lifetime.

However, at the cost of sounding like a believer in spiritual mumbo-jumbo and irrational concepts, I can now confidently say that an understanding of the nature of our existence and consciousness is definitely available to us. The key is introspection.

As a civilisation and as a society, we’ve done a decent job at exploring what’s outside us, based on our physical senses. Sooner or later, we’ll figure out ways to explore what’s inside, ways to understand, experience and communicate these in acceptable, reasonable ways comparable to how we arrived at scientific methods.

I am extremely optimistic and positive, not for myself, not in this life, maybe not in the next few centuries, but for the more evolved generations maybe thousands of years from now. I’m sure that we will all wake up and experience the world differently where the thinking mind is just a sense organ and the real living intelligence inside us is in charge.

Even if this sounds as controversial as it may to a lot of people, I feel the neuro-diversity that we understand as mental illnesses is a necessary evolutionary tool and the key to our awakening. They are the key to understanding our minds as sense organs. Depression which is considered an extreme form of rumination is so common because inside us the intelligence is stronger and asserting control. It doesn’t care much for our social constructs and functioning and it will continue to be problematic.

However, if you are someone who’s suffering right now, don’t let it overwhelm you. If you need to pop pills to keep it in check, please do so at any cost. If you need therapy, please go for it. Make sure you survive, no matter what.

More importantly, start paying attention to whatever it is inside that is trying to assert itself. If your mind is faulty (just like other senses can be), it can misunderstand things that come up. Don’t act on those. In a very convoluted and twisted way, those things are similar to thoughts even though they’re much stronger and often ask for destruction.

Listen to that, pay attention, observe. Don’t react, don’t act. Don’t self-destruct. Just observe. Once the initial difficult struggle is over, you will start waking up. It will be beautiful!

I promise you that.


Hitting the panic button

Sometimes a dread creeps outwards from the deep pit of your soul, from the parts inaccessible to your rational mind. It slowly spreads and dissolves into every cell of your body, reaches the tip of every hair strand.

While you feel the fear and the dread, there’s nothing around you that is scary. You feel afraid but you can’t say why. You can’t really see it. That scares you even more.

If you’re standing in front of a lion and scared to shit, it’s actually cool. In that fear and stress, you’ll fight, flight or freeze in fright.

There’s no lion. Who to fight, who to flee from? You freeze in fright. Your survival feels threatened from nothing at all.

The fear takes over, not letting you function, not letting you think.

It makes you question your perception, your thought and your existence because it just doesn’t make sense and you want it to make sense.

I’m not sure which one is the problem, the absurdity of it all or my inability to accept the absurdity? When I get there, sometimes I hit the panic button.


The most difficult thing to do is accept that you’re sick, mentally.

The second most difficult thing is to continue loving yourself as your mind plays games of guilt and shame.

The third most difficult thing is to make eye contact with people and talk about how you feel.

The fourth most difficult thing is to bear the pain and the suffering.

The fifth most difficult thing is to remember that living is important and worth it, despite all those difficulties.

The sixth most difficult thing is to accept that probably this is how things will be, always; you’ll suffer always and still manage to live; hold on to the brief moments of clarity and the few occasions where you actually felt light, peaceful and even happy.

The seventh most difficult thing is to breathe, in and out.

And in the reverse order, is the secret to survival.

Breathe in, breathe out.